Our Mission
At Your Local Parasite, we’re on a noble quest to prove that landlords are basically Angels sent form the heavens. Forget superheroes; we’ve got property managers who can turn your apartment into ukraine faster than you can say “security deposit.”
Meet Our Team
Mr. Evictor McEvictface
Position: Chief Eviction Officer
Bio: Evictor McEvictface has perfected the art of making tenants feel like they’re starring in their own reality TV show called “Survivor: Apartment Edition.” His hobbies include changing locks, ignoring maintenance requests, and laughing maniacally while cashing rent checks.
Dr. Penny Pincher
Position: Director of Petty Charges
Bio: Dr. Penny Pincher believes that creativity knows no bounds when it comes to squeezing extra dollars out of tenants. From charging for “air conditioning usage” to invoicing for “emotional wear and tear,” she’s a true visionary in the field of financial exploitation.
Captain Gas Leak
Position: Head of Safety Hazards
Bio: Captain Gas Leak is committed to providing tenants with an authentic adventure experience. His signature move? Ignoring gas leaks until they reach explosive levels. Who needs adrenaline-pumping roller coasters when you can live on the edge in your own apartment?
Our Services
- Late Fee Extravaganza: We believe that paying rent on time is overrated. That’s why we’ve introduced the “Late Fee Extravaganza.” Missed the due date? No problem! We’ll charge you a fee for every hour you’re late. It’s like a thrilling game of financial Jenga!
- Maintenance Roulette: Our patented system ensures that maintenance requests are handled randomly. Will your leaky faucet get fixed? Maybe. Will your broken window remain shattered? Possibly. It’s all part of the surprise package we call “Living on the Edge.”
- Security Deposit Mystery: Ever wondered where your security deposit goes? So have we! But we won’t tell you. It’s like a treasure hunt where the treasure is actually a black hole that swallows your money.